Financial Flash Update!

*trigger warning: mentioning of abuse, rape, depression/suicide*

I just want to share that yesterday…. I didnt have enough money for rent.

I had $4 in my account.

Today, I woke up to $1,150 in my bank account!
Still not all of my rent but I made some returns on things I bought awhile back on Amazon (worth over $200) that I don’t want/like.
And I still have until next week to drive for DoorDash to make up for the rest.

There are things Im working on financially (bad habits.. i.e. spending problems, debt, finding ways to make more money)

It’s seriously crazy how God has been watching over me the past four years.

He told me He was going to take care of me if I left my ex-husband (neglectful, verbally/emotionally abusive, manipulative, gaslighting, controlling, lying/cheating)

And this was BEFORE I had faith in Him.
(Raised Christian but stopped believing in Him after I got raped)

I was depressed and suicidal.

And He called after me just seconds before I was about to go through with it.

And told me that He forgave me, loved me, and that He’ll take care of me.

I’m so unworthy of His love and grace and yet He constantly shows up for me.

I’m not sharing this to gloat.
But to share God’s glory and give Him praise.

What an amazing Father we have.

Prayers that His provision will overwhelmall of our needs 🙏

Financial Tracking for the Week of April 19th, 2020


Welcome back to another week of watching my struggle with my finances!
In the grand scheme of things though, a lot can happen in a week..which means I’ve got some praises to share.
But before I jump in, prayer time!


Dear Heavenly Father,
I am so grateful for your providence and your last minute miracles.
Honestly though God, real talk, I wish you wouldn’t do the last minute stuff because the anxiety is so scary! But nonetheless, I am thankful for your Working Hand in my life.

Thank you for taking care of me and watching over me.

I pray that you will continue to watch over my finances and help me create the habits that will help accrue financial blessings and help cut away from the habits that takes away from my financial goals.

I pray that you will help others who are struggling financially and bless those in need as well.

In Jesus’ Name,


So funny story (not really).

I have been expecting a $200 return check for over two weeks. Out of concern, I called the company asking to ensure that they have, in fact, sent a check. The lady on the phone was very rude and vague and said, “You’ll have to wait. We already sent the check. If you’re having problems, call USPS because it’s off our hands now.” *click*

Whoa.. okay. Rude.

I made an FB post asking my fellow friends what I should do and one suggested I called my bank. So I did and thankfully, they were able to help! They said that they can start a dispute and hopefully, a resolution will be reach in ten days. Okay, sweet! At least I have a timeline of how things are might pan out.

My friends (God bless her, I love her!) texted me to come by and pick up some food. So I did and on my way back, I checked the mail and BAM! There was that check I waited for 17 days!

On top of that, I have started selling some of my belongings and made roughly a little over $100.

My mom also gave me $50 for my birthday.

AND I did NOT drop down into a negative as of yet. BAM! Winning.
However, I did spend my money on eating out some. Ugh.

I think that’s one thing I want to work on is NOT eating out (maybe limit it to once or twice a month) and NOT buy any “wants” unless I sell something.

It’ll help with my minimalist desired lifestyle while also saving money.

Anyway, let’s move on to the nitty gritty stuff!

This Week’s Finances

Monday 20th:

BB: $28

Tuesday 21st:

VS: $45

MO: $11

Wednesday 22nd:

Netflix: $14

Epidemic: $15

Premiere Pro: $21

Friday 24th:

Geico: $200

CICO: $112

Total amount: $334

Next Week’s Expenses:

CICO: $112

Rent: $1340

Things that are overdue:

Internet: $120

Xcel: $100

How Much I Need This Week:

What I have in my account: $295

What I have in cash: $1340 (but it’s reserved for rent)

What I have in my piggy bank: $12 cash (I’ve been putting all my change and $1 bills in there.. it’s actually been pretty handy)

How much I need to pay this week’s bills: $334

Total amount needed: $32


I have a couple people who are interested in meeting (and yes, I am taking extra precautions to be safe for all parties) to buy a few of my things and it’s added up to $30 right now. If they don’t bail, this would be just enough to afford my bills as I over estimate them and I’m shy of $2.

I never actually got around to driving for DoorDash. I just don’t like the idea of the wear and tear it’s going to add on my car. It’s one of the reasons why I stopped driving for Lyft on top of the car accident (not Lyft related) that happened.

I also was looking forward to simplifying my taxes for this year by reducing the number of W2 forms I’d have to receive.. (I worked like.. 10 jobs last year..*face palm*)

But desperate times call for desperate measures.
Plus, there are some things I’d like to save up for when I move.

I made a HUGE wish list LOL

I think I’m going to add them up and see how much I need to save up.

Anyway. For this week, I’m good.
I’m going to have to come up with some money for next week. But I am glad I have rent covered for now.

I hope you guys are all doing well.
We can do this.
Stay positive and don’t let the struggle bury.

With Love ❤

The Story of My Divorce

I’d say that up until four years ago, my life has been 💩
Its been quite a ride for sure 🤙

I was born and raised as a Christian and I was also exposed to a LOT of abuse, both towards me and my mom.
Whats worse was my mom herself was also very verbally abusive to me as well even though we “stuck together” through my dad’s physical abuse.
One of my earliest memories as a kid involves wiping my mom’s blood off the kitchen floor – I was 5.
This goes on my entire childhood.

At 18, I was raped by a guy I trusted and that’s when I stopped believing in God.
Couldn’t imagine why a God who is supposedly so loving would have me raised in such an abusive home and then have that happen to me on top of it all.

Because God is sovereign and if he really wanted to.. he could have placed me in any other home and could have avoided the whole incident.
But no. That was the card I was dealt.

A few months later I connected with a guy and we started dating.
My dad was having his raging moment and I was texting him what happened.
By this time, I was 19.

I told him I was running away and he told me he was going to pick me up.

This eventually turned into an abusive marriage.
It involved a lot of lying and cheating, neglect, gaslighting, being choked and kicked, verbal abuse, etc.

I was done. I hated life. Nothing ever went right and there was nothing worth living for.

I was in this marriage for almost 8 and a half years.
And I got so depressed and wanted to kill myself.

One night, I was ready to do it.

Grasping at straws to show any kind of love to my ex husband, I told him I loved him as he left for work and to have a good night at work (he worked the night shift)
He left without saying anything and slammed the door in my face.

Its sounds so minor but after years of being lied to, cheated on, yelled at, hit, neglected, talked down.. it hurt.

I “prepared” myself to end my life and that’s when God interevened.

I heard him tell me, “It’s okay. I’m here for you. I forgive you but you need to leave. Trust me and leave.”

I was so disconnected from God at that point in my life that I was just dazed and confused.
But it shifted the way I wanted to solve things.

Up until that point, I was trying to fix my marriage my way. By submitting more. Being more affectionate. Running myself to the ground working three jobs, raising my kids (he barely helped), going to school. Giving him space.

None of it worked.
So I decided to pray.

I prayed for what many women that I have met in toxic relationships ask to pray for.
For His hands on my marriage, for protection, that he’ll lead my ex to Jesus too.

Yeah… no. Deep inside I knew what had to be done.
I just didn’t want to.
I loved this low quality guy.
I was too scared to leave too.
After years of being told that I’m not worth being loved, that no one else would ever love me, that I should be thankful that I have him, that I couldn’t make it on my own because I’m such a failure… I didn’t want to leave.

Fast forward to now…
I’m a single mom coming up on my fourth year.
And so many condemned me for divorcing because “divorce is a sin.”

Except they don’t know what I know – that God himself called me out of that marriage.
He’d rather have me alive than dead, both physically and spiritually.

And once I left, it definitely took some SERIOUS healing for me to get to where I am now.
For about the first year of being single, I welcomed God into my life but I definitely did not submit my life to him.

My idea of healing was not His way of healing.
It worsened my self-worth.
Until God called me out of the dark hole I was in.

He made his expectations be KNOWN.
To find a church home and the call to abstinence.

And honestly.. it was the call to abstinence that made look into Godly dating, relationships, and marriage.

Because let’s be honest, sex feels great and I have a high drive. So I dove into the Bible for a “loophole”

Instead, I’ve learned how beautiful and powerful a marriage is meant to be. How loving its supposed to be. How sex is intended to be.
What love is supposed to be like
Its nothing that I ever experienced in my life but God showed the perfect example of it.

So then came the road to healing, surrendering, submitting, and transforming.

I had a strong desire for a marriage.
Now I have a strong desire for God’s purpose in my life.

It doesn’t mean I don’t want a marriage anymore.
But its not a priority. If it happens… it happens.

If not, I’m building towards the purpose God has for me and find satisfaction in that.

And if I had to choose between His calling on my life and a husband… I choose His calling.
It serves a greater purpose for His kingdom and for this earth that im living in.

I shared my story because I see so many desperation and brokenness from ladies desperately desiring a marriage.

You guys.. marriage shouldn’t be the end all in your life. Thats not the end game.

Live your life now. You don’t need a man to live your best life.
Gods already here, waiting for you on his magic carpet ride to show you the world.

But so many women are hell bent on finding a man that you’re missing whats right in front of you.

My most cherished memories happened in my singleness.
I honestly take PRIDE in how long I’ve been single.
Ever since healing took place, I know what I’m worth, I know what I look for in a relationship, and I know what I look for in a guy.
If a guy comes any short of my expectations, I move on. My heart is well guarded and I don’t jump at the first sign of a potential relationship.

I get talked down a lot for my standards
“But Lexi.. there are no guys like the one you search for.”
But here’s the thing – my standards are not that high because I know it’s achievable.
How do I know its achievable? Because
1. I live by my standards. If I can do it, there are probably other people who live by my standards and level of vibe
2. I’ve dated guys who have come CLOSE to my standards.

And this is where GOD steps in for me. If marriage is in my future, then God will send me a man when I’m ready.. and not just any man but THE man. For me. The one He set aside for ME.

My standards aren’t based on looks, height, and income (though being able to adult should match a certain level of financial security)

But it’s based on the quality of a person.

The other thing I’ve learned is just because a guy checks the items on your list doesn’t mean “its from God.”
Discernment is still necessary.

I’ve met a couple of guys, few and far between, that literally was a “dream come true.”
Like “Dang okay God! I see you!”
But it turns out they weren’t for me at all.
I was able to bless and release because God is my center and my heart is well guarded.

I don’t sit there and pray over something that isn’t for me in the first place.

Be content in your singleness you guys.
Focus on growing your faith. And not for a marriage in return but just for the sake of getting closer to God.

Take the time to HEAL.
Go and discover yourself.
Live life.
Find a solid group of friends.
You don’t have to be popular but friends are important. Whether its one or twenty.
Build your life.
Work on cutting out bad habits and create new, positive, healthy ones.
Set a new standard of living for yourself.

Books I recommend:
Lady in Waiting by Jackie Kendall and Debbie Jones
Swipe Right by Levi Lusko
Single. Dating. Engaged. Married by Ben Stuart
The Man God Has For You by Stephan Labossiere
Love Sex and Dating by Andy Stanley (I recommend starting from here for a good basis on setting standards for yourself)
Discerning the Voice of God: How to Recognize When He Speaks by Priscilla Shirer

These are all faith-based books.
These books are more than just “how to get a guy” book. It really calls you out on your..ahem *bs* and has you focus on God first and foremost.

Other “life-centered” books:
Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren
Through the Eyes of a Lion by Levi Lusko

Not faith based book but it changed how I live my life:
The Compound Effect by Darren Hardy

Attached are pictures of some of my most cherished memories that I otherwise would have never got to experience if I continued to stay in an ungodly, directionless, abusive marriage.
When I was married, I was isolated. I burned so many bridges just so I can try and keep my marriage alive.

When I left, God restored my relationship with my parents (yes.. the same parents that abused me are now my biggest support – God is good) and with SOME friends. I wasn’t able to save all my friendships but God rekindled a few old friendships but most of all helped me make new ones 💕

Singleness is a GIFT.
Let’s honor God in ALL seasons, and that includes our time of being single 💕

With Love ❤
**This post include affiliated links which means at no additional cost to you, I get a small commissions from your purchase. I always value and appreciate your support <3**

Financial Tracking for the Week of April 12th, 2020

Welcome back, everyone!

I just feel so grateful today for all that Jesus went through for someone like me.

Let’s kick off with a little prayer ❤

Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you. Thank you for orchestrating such a beautiful victory over our lives. Thank you for sending your one and only son to die as the perfect sacrifice for our sins just so that you can be with us.

Thank you for the friends and family you have placed in my life. They have each been such beautiful souls to have connected with and I’m not quite sure I would be without them.

Lord, I continue to pray over my finances. I pray that you will help me find a reliable and consistent part time job. I pray that during this time of financial uncertainty that you will provide all that I need. I pray for those around me who are struggling financially. I pray that you will watch over their finances, their household, and their family.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.


So things went okay last week. I did not have the money for rent but thank goodness for my mom because she was able to help me out.

One of my loans was extended to the end of April and I was so thankful for that because I actually spaced it and it was until the day before that I called for an extension (Usually you need to called two days ahead). Someone called me back and said, “I don’t know why they approved because it should not have even gone through so I’m sorry for the misinformation.”

But then like half an hour later, I got a confirmation e-mail saying that it was pushed back.

I was just tired and cranky so I just let it be and assumed that I would be out $105 dollars.

Well.. Friday came and went.. and it did NOT process! Thank Jesus! Because I barely managed to pay rent.

It was $1285, I had $1100. My mom initially said she didn’t have money but she texted me later that night and said she made some commissions on a networking business that she has and it was just enough to help pay my rent.

Ain’t God good though?!

This Week’s Finances

Wednesday 15th:

Total Visa CC: $40
Color Street: $10

Thursday 16th:

Disney+: $13

Friday 17th:

VS card: $45

Sunday 19th:

Prime: $7

Next Week’s expenses:

Best Buy: $28

Office Sub: $10

Netflix: $14

Gym: $30 (will not go through though)

Car insurance: $200

Things that are over due:

Internet: $120

My blog premium plan: $100

How Much I Need This Week

What I have in my account: $37

How much I need to pay this week’s bills: $115

How much I need for next week: $252


New Loan: $300 (I know.. I know…)

Plasma: $100/week

Sold a share: $75 ($10 profit)

DoorDash: (?)

So some exciting stuff happening…

and a set back. I didn’t know my mom was going to have the extra money so I went ahead and applied for a loan and was praying that it will be enough for all the late fees that were going to be involved.

So I applied thinking it was going to be necessary.

Plasma.. I think even if I am in a financially stable place in my life, I will continue to donate, at least once a week.

I sold another share when I realized what I had sold previously wasn’t going to be enough so that should be deposited into my account on Tuesday.

I have never tried driving for DoorDash so I’m not sure what to expect. But it’ll be an income. Still looking for a regular, consistent, reliable, long term part time job though.

I think driving for DoorDash will be a good way to bring in extra money while waiting to apply for Amazon again.

On that note, next week’s expenses are looking pretty intimidating. The week after that is when rent is due again.. hopefully they will bring in the same leniency and give it an extra week + discount.

This is an edit: I totally spaced my vet credit cart (payment due date and amount still unassigned) and I also have my car registration due.

SO. MUCH. MONEY. GOING. OUT. THE. WINDOW. (insert ugly crying)

Hopefully those stim checks will hit my bank account ASAP!
But I guess only time will tell.

On that note.. that completes my financial tracking for the week!

See you guys next week!

Financial Tracking for the Week of April 5, 2020

It has been a LONG while.
I’m not even sure what kept me from posting..
Probably a mix of discouragement, losing motivation, and literally just being so broke that I felt like there was no point in tracking anything – just flying by the seat of my pants and hoping that everything will fall into place.. per usual but more so than usual.

Things sorta have fallen into place (Clearly, since I am still alive and well with a roof over my head and food in the fridge – I am blessed) but sorta hasn’t (I’m still flying by the seat of my pants).

Before I get into the nitty gritty details of my financial situation and update, I want to try this new thing and give my financial hardship to God first.
Maybe this prayer is unnecessary to you. You can definitely skip it.
But maybe you can pray this over for me or pray it for yourself as well if you are struggling right along beside me.

Either way, it’s happening. Let’s pray:


Hi God,
I just wanted to first thank you so much for all that you have provided for me recently. My kids and I are healthy and safe. We have a home. We have food. And as silly as it sounds, we have toilet paper. My circumstances could have been far worse when I reflect on the course my life has taken but I am here and, compared to the many directions that my life could have gone, I can see now that this is the best path to be on with everything that’s going on. I am grateful for your divine intervention and protection.
God, I just wanted to pray over my finances. I feel that every time I move one step forward, I am placed in a position to take ten steps back. I pray that no matter where I am, I continue to place my faith in you and your provision. I pray that you will take over my debt and eliminate it. I pray that you will turn my financial struggles into financial blessings. I pray for an overflow of abundance so that, not only am I living comfortably in excess but also be in the position to bless others and honor you.
I pray that you will help me make wise financial choices and help me build healthy money habits. I also pray that you will lead me out of this season of financial uncertainty and hardship. Help me keep my eyes on you and stay faithful to you.

In Jesus’ name I pray,

God is good. In so many ways ❤



Okay, so let me just go on to say that I did a thing.
I invested in stocks.
Wise? Ehhh….

Wise in the sense that I feel like I jumped at a good time while everything was low.
Not wise considering that fact that I don’t have the expendable money to invest.

Objectively wise. Subjectively dumb… or just not the best choice.

But, wise or not, I did learn a handful of things.
Like what dividends are, what diversifying means, some good stocks to get into, how it generally works, etc.

Was it the best time for ME to join personally? No.
But this was such a good learning experience for me that I kind of appreciate this failure.
It’s something I can see myself using to help LEVERAGE my finances in the future.

With that being said, I decided to sell MOST of my shares of the stocks that I invested in.
I’m staying invested in three because they were kind of a hefty investment (for me since I’m poor.. you might think $1,000+ is a hefty investment but for me, 10% of that is more than pushing it).
So I’ll be holding on to them until I know I’m getting a decent return and also for a little more experimental learning curve as well.

I added the total amount of how much I invested and it turned out to be a little over $300.
Keep this number in mind (or don’t..because I’ll be bringing it up anyway.. lol)

Financial Changes + Obstacles

Welp, in the past few weeks, some major financial changes have gone underway. I’m a little sad because it’s just going to make things harder.

For one, my car lease has finally ended! Yay!
But not yay because I decided to purchase it and since my credit score blows, my monthly payment went up… by about $100. (Insert ugly crying here)

That’s the biggest change, really. And because it’s more permanent, it’s the most suckiest.


1. New debt

With my tax refund money, I’m happy to announce that I used most of it to pay off a debt with a payment plan that was KILLING me. And maybe about half in a couple of others.

The thing about that is..and I’m not sure which is better.. to save yout refund or using it to pay off debt.
Well, in this case, paying the high interest debt is definitely better. But year after year, I always put all my tax returns into my debt.
And I don’t get much left over.

I was catching up with my friend and she said, “Yeah, I put a little bit into my debt but I’m saving most of it and using some of it for a vacation. I’m always going to be in debt so I never put all of my returns into it.”

“I’m always going to be in debt.”

GIRL, SAME (seasonally speaking – May God take and release my debt and replace it with financial stability)! So why am I throwing all my money into debt when my income doesn’t even cover my bills so I end up pulling new loans out anyway? In which returns the vicious cycle of not being able to afford the payments…

I don’t know why I didn’t think like her….
There’s always next year…I’m keeping my money this time.. lol

Anyway, point is, I paid off a couple of debts off but I’m in debt to them again. (Insert ugly crying..again). Thankfully, the interest rates are MUCH lower so it is not as back breaking, but I’m not exactly “getting out of debt” like I wanted to for this year either.

2. I had to open a new credit card

My dog got a huge cut on his paw and it required stitches. Didn’t have the cash for it so I had to apply for a credit card. Silver lining: I qualified for $500 and the vet bill was $300 so I was able to take care of my dog. Hopefully, the remaining balance will be enough for the follow-up appointment.

The not so bright side.. I’ve accrued yet another monthly payment to be mindful of.

3. Car registration

At the end of April, I’ll have to fork over about $300 to renew my registration.
I did have that saved and reserved knowing that it was coming. But I ended up spending it. Not for my own pleasure but on necessities.

I’m so broke that I literally can’t even save money for future bills…. haaaa…

4. This pandemic sucks

I am currently undergoing a massive financial cut.
My part-time job was scheduled to close the end of March (owner’s choice).
However, because of Corona, it shut down early.

My ex-husband got laid off so child support has also stopped coming in.

To make up for the difference, I’ve tried applying EVERYWHERE. But no one is hiring. I was welcomed to “apply anyway” though.

My current plan:
Donate plasma (first appointment in forever is scheduled for tomorrow).
Apply to work at Amazon warehouse mid-June.
Why mid-June? Because I worked there last year but hated it so much that I didn’t come back after my lunch break…. so I have to wait a year before I can reapply.

If I hated it so much, why would I reapply? Because the money was decent. And this time, instead of full time hours (four 10-hour shifts), I’ll be going in for part-time hours. Hopefully, it’s less painful when it’s shorter hours (it’s mind-numbingly boring.. I need something that’s challenging and keeps me on my toes). If the hours aren’t what I’m looking for (i.e., if it’s two 10-hour shifts instead of, let’s say, five 4-hour shifts, it won’t work with my schedule), I can try picking up some of their other job positions like being a shopper. My friend does it and enjoys it and says the hours are maybe..

But until then, I am banking on my May paycheck (biggest paycheck of the school year because April doesn’t have any extended weekends or breaks), plasma donation, and the stimulus checks.. which even then.. after crunching the numbers, won’t be enough… but hopefully enough until I can get a job from Amazon (prayers please: this is the only job that I can think of that I can work around my non-negotiable, non-flexible schedule as a single mom, student, and “full-time” worker).

Now that we’re all caught up, let’s jump in with the nitty gritty financial stuff.

This Week’s Finances

Friday the 10th:

Rent (They gave us an extension AND a 5% discount! AMEN!): $1300

Capital One CC: $25

Blue Trust Loans: $105 (final payment – may or may not call to defer payment)

Comcast: $116 (technically late.. but also might not pay it anyway for now until stim check arrives)

Advance America: $98

Earnin App: $100 (to read more about what this app is, go here )

Money Tree: $200 – payment has been deferred until May 10th. It is also the second to last payment

Speedy Cash: $86 – Payment has been pushed to April 24th

Saturday 11th:

Vet Bill: Unknown – I know it’s not really a “payment” that’s going out but I wanted to just place it here as my own reminder

WordPress: $96 annual premium plan renewal – this may or may not happen.

Next week’s payments to prep for:

Total Visa CC: $40

Color Street: $10

Disney +: $13

VS Angel Card: $45

Prime: $7


What I have in my account: -$200 (Insert ugly crying… so much ugly crying)

Cash: coins in a small piggy bank (I’m at a new level of low, y’all.. LOL)

What I need to pay my bills this week: $1,944 (this includes the -$200)

How much I need for next week: $115

What’s coming in:

Estimated paycheck: $1,450
Plasma: $75 (hopefully more because they generally give a little more as a “thank you for coming back!” if it’s been over 6 months since your last donation)
Selling stocks: approximately $300 depending on how much they get sold for.

After seeing the breakdown and doing the math.. what’s coming in is clearly not enough for the bills I have to pay so I will be making phone calls tomorrow to defer payments where I can.

Praying on this stim check to come soon, though. Like real talk.

For an updated list of my debt, go here
If you’d like to help me out financially, you can shop here

As grueling as this process was… I’m so glad I typed everything out. In a strange sense, sharing my finances, as horrible as my income/outgoing ratio is, is both therapeutic and helpful to type it out and talk about it.

Blogging about my finances has given me the space to vent while also organizing and planning – it’s different from just writing it out in my notebook while letting my thoughts get lost in anxiety in it’s cycle of, “How am I going to pay for everything?”

Thank you for reading, encouraging me, and motivating me ❤

This concludes the financial breakdown for the coming week.
I hope you guys are staying well!

See you guys next week!

Singleness is Temporary

I was reading a post in a single moms group about how out of place she felt going somewhere because it was all married couples.

And I just wanted to share a reminder..
Not to be confused with trying to lessen your hurt.. you have every right to feel hurt… but hear me out

For every married couple you envy.. the ones that look so happy… the marriage that you wish you had.. 100% of them are struggling
And 50% of them will probably end up divorced.
And from those 50%, the wife is envious of your singleness

Because while you envy her partnership..that might not even be there.. she envies your freedom.

My hope for you is that you start CELEBRATING your singleness.
There are so many blessings to receive in your singleness that you can’t receive in marriage.

I know it may seem like forever… but girl… singleness is temporary. Unless you are called to it. And if you are called to it.. then you KNOW the blessings that are headed your way.

But let me repeat that. Singleness is temporary. How are you celebrating it?

Enjoy Your Singleness

I just wanted to share my thoughts as a means of encouragement.

But while going on a walk today and listening to a message.. I was pouring my heart out to God saying “when will it be my turn? I’d like to have a partner and someone to show my kids what a Godly marriage looks like.”

And God challenged my desires with this question…Do you really? Do you REALLY want a husband?

Because here’s the thing.
Ever since I left my ex now almost 4 years ago, I have been so happy despite my struggles.

He blessed me so much with amazing friends and opportunities and mended my relationship with my family (DV/abused).

And I was reminded of all the sacrifices and effort it takes to maintain a relationship.
The nuances. The compromise. The considerations. The sacrifices.

And YES! I would love to have a husband.
But right now. No.
Not at all.
I want all the time I want to focus on finishing my degree. Getting a house. Spending time with my kids. Making memories with my friends.
And CONTINUE to enjoy my freedom.

I don’t want to give up what I have now for a husband.

And there would be times when I would feel so frustrated for cutting off guy after guy (because I’m not desperate and not willing to settle) wondering if I’m being too picky or if my standards are unreasonable.

Or even on the flip side.. am I not good enough? Not attractive enough? Not smart enough? For the kind of man I desire?

But God placed a calmness in my heart saying that I’m hidden.

Because he knows I’m not ready. I know I’m not ready. At least not yet. And honestly, I’m not sure if I’ll ever be ready or if I’ll ACTUALLY want to give up my singleness for a husband.

Does a part of me wish it would happen sooner than later? Of course.

But I’m so grateful for the season of being hidden.
It gives me time to spend time with God.
It’s giving me the time I need to prepare and accomplish all the desires that I have in my heart.

I would be miserable if I was in a relationship right now, even if he was my “perfect” guy because right now, I just want and need to be selfish.

So I wanted to share this with you ladies.
If you’re feeling frustrated in your singleness.
If you’re desiring a marriage but its not happening.

You’re probably hidden by God and for good reason.
And while you’re being hidden, He’s orchestrating the most beautiful love story for you.
Something worth being hidden for.

Stay hidden and enjoy this season.
Your marriage is going to be blessed and last a lifetime.
But your singleness won’t. So make the best of it while you can 💕