Yet ANOTHER change!
I have decided to put my bible readings on my youtube channel.
You can find that here:
Because I am only 5 chapters in, I will be starting from chapter one but I intend on making more than a couple videos a week on my bible reading/faith but…. I’m not promising anything haha (Just being real honest!)
I decided to be more personal on this blog and share personal stories and how God is working in my life.
With that being said, I figure, why not start with how I have come to this point in my life?
I was born and raised Christian.
But that honestly didn’t mean much.
Going to church was routine.
I didn’t understand the spirituality behind Christianity.
I didn’t understand what it meant to have a relationship with God.
But I do know that after a traumatizing experience, I decided God wasn’t real.
It was easy to turn my back on Him because I never had a personal relationship with Him to begin with.
If God was real, how could he have let this happen to me?
I started to go my own way with what little judgement I had of the world and the naïve state of my heart and mind.
Cue my ex-husband.
I realize, that as much as the love I felt for him was real, and maybe he felt it at some point too for a short time, our relationship was never genuine.
The lies, deceit, the games, the manipulation, the betrayal..
I never experienced the hurt and fear like I did in that marriage.
It wasn’t until I hit rock bottom that God saved me.
That last year of my marriage was the hardest.
I had never contemplated suicide until that point.
And there I was, sitting on the bathroom floor, about to attempt my first time committing suicide.
A handful of white pills about to be consumed.
As I raised my hands to my lips, in that moment, I heard God for the first time in my life.
“Stop! I have forgiven you and I want you back. I WILL take care of you.”
I’ve heard most people say that God speaks in a whisper.
But this was loud and thunderous.
It shook me to my core.
I rocked back and forth crying in the bathroom.
I didn’t know what else to do but pray.
I didn’t pray for the courage to leave but I prayed for patience.
I wanted to make sure that if I did leave, it would be knowing that I did all that I can to salvage it.
A month goes by and I was already depleted.
I could never figure out what I did wrong.
I felt like I bent over backwards for him.
But it was never enough.
I was neglected daily or I was greeted with anger and annoyance.
There was always someone else he would be consumed with.
Forgetting God’s words, I found myself back in the bathroom. Pills in hand.
This was it.
I was tired of hurting.
I was tired of having my kids see me cry every night.
I couldn’t bear the weight of it all anymore.
And I heard Him again.
“Stop! I have forgiven you! Come back to me.”
I cried in confusion.
I wanted to leave.
It just didn’t seem practical.
I stayed out of fear this time and not out of hope to save the marriage.
A week later, I found out that he had been talking to another girl and I approached him with proof in hand.
And his nonchalant response, “I’m done with you. Pack your shit and leave.”
If I had a nickel for every time he has said that to me before, I wouldn’t have hesitated leaving him for fear of financial peace.
I would always beg for forgiveness so spinelessly.
I’d promise that I’d change, to let go of whatever anger I was holding onto, that I’d be better.
But this time, in that exact moment, I heard God leading me, “Now is your chance! Leave!”
My heart was pounding when I weakly said, “Fine.”
And instantaneously, I felt an overwhelming joy and peace wash over me.
And that was the day God had delivered me from hurt, a toxic relationship, depression, and suicidal thoughts.
Nearly two years ago, actually, as I check the date on the corner of my laptop (Last week of May).
In God, there is peace. ❤
He has been continuously leading me in my life.
I hadn’t recommitted to Him just yet and that in itself is another testimony.
Until next time!
May God’s love carry you throughout your days!