When I left a toxic marriage two and a half years ago, I had no idea how scary dating had become. Dating became an entirely new world with lots of territories to explore.
The territory of fuckboys is large and with today’s online resources, so easy to come across them in all sizes, shapes, and form.
I wanted to make this blog to help out my fellow single mamas because I know it can be hard to know whether or not someone is just playing you.
Manipulators and narcs disguise themselves well and I want to protect as many of you beautiful souls as I can.
That being said, let’s jump into it.
1. Actions speak louder than words
If I can have a penny for every time a woman has fallen for someone’s words and not their actions.. I’d be taking a nice long vacation at a beach somewhere with my babies!
Ladies, it’s SO easy for a man to lie, especially when he knows what we want..which most of the time is a committed relationship. And society has made it easy with movies and tv shows to portray what kind of man that is.
Sweet, loving, thoughtful, considerate of others, faithful, loyal..you know it.
Any guy can say, “I’m looking to settle down and have kids.”
“I would never cheat.”
“I’m looking for the right woman to fall in love with.”
“You’re everything I’ve been looking for.”
“I can see myself spending the rest of my life with you.”
“How did I live this long without knowing you?”
“I would treat you and your kid(s) right.”
Instead of swooning over sweet words, you have to let the actions speak for themselves.
If he loves you, he’ll take care of you.
He’ll want to better himself to be the best man he can be for you.
He’ll show you how beautiful you are by not entertaining other women.
He’ll show his love for your kids by spending time with them and including them on “dates” (when the timing is appropriate with your permission of course).
Does he text you consistently? Does he keep his promises? Does he communicate well? Does he make you feel beautiful? Do you feel comfortable with him being around your kids? Do you feel assured by the words that he speaks because you’ve seen him live by his words?
Seeing actions take time.
You can’t and shouldn’t swoon over a guy’s words just because you texted for a week or two and went on a couple of dates.
Guard your heart
Action is great but consistency shows permanency.
If a guy texts you everyday and then disappear for a week.. inconsistent.
If he seemed to be a self-assured confident man and then starts blowing up your phone wondering where you are and when you’ll be home and who you are hanging out with..inconsistent.
If he starts breaking promises and making excuses..inconsistent.
Anything that he does that is inconsistent from who he said he was and how he started out to be, he’s not the right guy.
Again, this is one of those things that takes time to see.
3. He pursues you
This isn’t an anti-feminist thing.
Let the man pursue you and court you!
I don’t care if you can pay for your own meal and have your own money.
Like that’s great and all but you can start treating him out after he’s shown you he’s seriously invested in you – emotionally and financially.
Does he take the time to surprise you with gifts (it doesn’t have to be expensive..or even cost anything).
Does he take the time to plan dates?
Does he take the time to send random sweet texts?
Does he take the time to help you when you need it?
Are the efforts he’s putting into do all this CONSISTENT?
Then I’d say things are looking good but before the light is entirely green, let’s check out number 4.
4. Gut Check
Seeing positive traits is great.
Especially when a guy is saying all the right things and doing all the right things.
But don’t let that overshadow any red flags, discomforting, uncomfortable feelings that you might be experiencing.
I was talking to a guy who seemed really great.
Saying all the right things. Had nothing for actions at that point because we only had just recently connected.
But while we were talking on the phone.. he got mad because his ex gf’s son saw the present he got him..and said he was thinking about returning it.
Like what? That was his natural response.
Red flag for me.
When I did meet him, I just wasn’t into him. I can say this because I didn’t swoon over his words and got to see who he said he was in person.. and he was not what I expected.. from the way he described himself! It was like being catfished for his personality.
He started to accuse me for being too picky and said that my standards are too high.
Ladies, listen to your inner gut feelings, your intuition.
If you don’t have a good feeling about a guy or something just isn’t sitting right with you, you have every right to end things.
Know your boundaries and don’t tolerate anything less than what you deserve.
And if a guy starts putting you down for your choice, that’s a DEFINITE red flag!
Don’t let the good traits overshadow negative traits.
A good man should make you feel safe, respected, and loved.
Not uncomfortable, unsafe, or doubtful.
No matter how small or trivial the red flag might be, listen to your instincts.
There’s a difference between disagreements (no one is perfect and no relationship is perfect) and someone crossing your boundaries and making you feel uneasy.
5. Be patient
I know there are moments in our singleness when we just feel “over it” and we’re ready to move forward in our lives with a partner.
But being patient is key in finding a good relationship.
While you’re being patient, reflect on the four points that I made.
Does his actions speak for himself?
Is he consistent with those actions?
Is he pursuing you?
Are there any red flags?
While you are dating, always..ALWAYS love yourself first.
You don’t NEED his love to function.. you’ve been doing well without him.
Be patient and let him show you that he’s worth your love
I hope this helps any of you single ladies out there.
Stay strong and be patient.
You guys are all amazing and worth being in a beautiful relationship with the love of your life! 🙂