For me, loneliness wasn’t a loneliness of the heart. It wasn’t about the absence of a partner.
My loneliness stemmed from feeling like I wasn’t enough.
It was a sickness of believing that I will never be enough for anyone.
And in that sense, solitude was my ironic healing.
But in that sickness is where my addiction brewed.
Sex became my solution.
Because I rationalized the idea that, though I may never be enough for someone to want me forever, at least I am wanted temporarily.
And it was a brutal and harsh lie to overcome.
And sometimes, I still battle this mentality.
Feeling like I wasn’t enough was the diagnosis; sex was the symptom.
It’s how I found my confidence and self-worth.
It’s how I felt beautiful.
It’s how I felt desired and wanted.
At least this hot guy wants me.
At least this body builder wants me.
At least this intelligent man wants me.
Here’s the reality to those lies.
They didn’t want me. They just wanted my body.
They didn’t care about me. They just cared about the satisfaction that sex brings.
The reality is… sex isn’t and shouldn’t be a basis for what you are worth.
It’s not for healing.
It’s not for moving forward.
It’s not for solidifying a relationship.
It’s not for finding confidence.
There’s no confidence in having relations with a guy who says you’re good enough for sex but not enough to commit to.
Commitment is greater than sex.
I was in a very dark place when that truth bomb was dropped on me.
Because my whole metric system of how I’ve been basing my worth turned out to be unreliable.
If the number of hot, successful, wealthy, smart guys I slept with is not a measurement of what I am worth, then what is?
Out of the numerous guys I’ve slept with, about half were repeats, and about half of those DID want more than just a sexually beneficial situation.
And a huge part of the reason why they wanted to “keep” me was because the sex was great.
Very little had anything to do with who I was as a person and that only created fear.
What if I become unattractive to him? What if the sexual excitement fades? What if I gain weight?
Does he actually like me? Or does he just like the sex?
I felt completely lost, broken, damaged, and useless.
And then I heard a little a voice in my heart: Wait until marriage.
I laughed at first.
Sex was damaging my soul but I physically really enjoyed it.
I wasn’t going to just stop having sex.
But I got curious.
What DID the Bible say about sex?
I dove into Bible looking for loopholes.
Something in here has GOT to say that premarital sex is okay.
Instead, what I learned was how sacred God had intended sex to be.
It’s kind of like the line from Spider-Man: With great power comes great responsibility.
I think we can all agree that sex is a powerful form of expressing one’s emotion to another (note that I didn’t say love…because sometimes, it really isn’t).
Sex is an act that doesn’t just affect one person.
It affects you AND your partner.
Sex damages the heart and soul of not just one body, but both partners.
It’s a sin where you bringing another person down with you.
And in the world that we live in, sex can bring so much more pain than joy when it’s used outside of how God intended it to be: within marriage.
We live in a selfish, greedy world where sex is used as pleasure and not as an experience of bonding of forever.
We live in a world where sex creates health risks, unplanned pregnancies, heartbreaks, and soul ties rather than an outward expression to love and protect.
1 Corinthians 6:18-20
“Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you now know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.”
“However, each one of you must also love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”
1 Thessalonians 4:3-5
“It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God.”
“Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun.”
1 Corinthians 7:3
“The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs.”
“Drink water from your own well – share your love only with your wife. Why spill the water of your springs in the streets, having sex with just anyone? You should reserve it for yourselves. Never share it with strangers.”
“Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it.”
All of these verses showed me how powerful and beautiful God intended sex to be.
And the thing is, I can share all the verses in the Bible about how God intended sex to be and how immoral sex before marriage is but all of that isn’t going to matter unless you can truly grasp the love that God has for us.
None of these verses have meaning when you don’t hold fast to the depth of God’s love.
God didn’t make sex before marriage a sin just to torture us but to protect us (just like all His other commands).
I can honestly say that ending dates (because I have yet to have entered a relationship since my divorce) have been so much easier without sexual relations being involved.
Sex before marriage complicates things.
It creates powerful emotions that you don’t want to discontinue.
I am able to guard my heart so much better and discern what is good for me and what isn’t and decide whether or not I feel like I can enter a God-honoring relationship.
And all the problems that came with sex addiction, though I still struggle with it from time to time – the lack of self-worth and confidence, feeling unqualified, feeling like I’m too broken and damaged.. it’s restored through God’s truths.
I’m not shaming anyone who doesn’t care to wait until marriage.
And I’m not saying anyone is lesser or more for that choice.
I just want to encourage better care of our hearts, soul, and body.
Even though we might not deserve it, because of God’s amazing love for us, He wants the best for us.
And that also includes amazing sex with His appointed partner.
And I don’t know about you guys, but while I’m waiting for marriage, I want to give my future husband the best parts of me.
Not just sexually but the best of me in the sense of mind, body, and spirit – healed, restored, redeemed, growing, learning, and in love with God.
And while I am striving for purity in reserving the best part of me for the guy who wants to spend his forever with me, I find hope, strength, and peace in knowing that ultimately, I am offering my best self to God.
I mess up a lot and there are lot of things I need to work on.. but God is my purpose.
And there’s peace in the midst of discouragement, bitterness, and frustration of singleness.
And to me, that peace far outweighs the pain and the feeling of rejection that comes with having sex with a guy before marriage.