Not only have I heard other women say these things, these are feelings that I have dealt with myself too.
And you gotta realize, that’s exactly how the devil works.
He’s cunning. He’s sly. He knows how to strike the right cord to make you feel like maybe your standards are too high.
Maybe you should stick with the next guy that asks you out.
Maybe you should tolerate, not just the lesser qualities of just being human, but actual red flags.
He strikes that fear – the fear that you’ll forever be alone.
When I’ve thought about my own feelings and the concerns shared to me by friends and family, these are the top four lies that I hear the most:
1. There are no more good men left.
2. You’re only getting older (You’re running out of time).
3. Your standards are too high.
4. You’re not good enough.
Let’s talk about each of these and how you can change your approach to these thoughts.
This, by the way, does not mean it’s an easy fix.. your “go-to” thoughts is one of the hardest habits to change because there’s no precedent to your thoughts. It’s a matter of catching yourself in the thought and reframing what you know as truth to a different truth.
1. There are no more good men left.
Okay, honestly, this comment reminds me of the scene in How to be Single where Alison Brie uses peanuts as an example to show how the odds are against her.
There are no good men left.
But not to ruin the movie (there’s a lot of sub plots anyway), she finds her peanut!
The idea that not enough good men exist is mostly derived from previous bad relationships and dates.
And you start to think, “Okay.. guy after guy, date after date, it’s all the same! They ghost. They live in the basement with their mom. They can’t hold a job. They don’t have a car. They are unmotivated. They cheat. They lie. They are controlling. They are manipulative…”
You get the idea.
But here’s the punch in the gut. Sorry sis, but it’s time to take ownership of your choices and actions.
Mind you, I’m not talking about mentally ill, narcissistic jerks that play their game well and hide who they truly are until they’ve sucked your soul dry.
Most of the time, you can sniff out a jerk if you really want to.
But most of the time, you tolerate it.
There ARE good guys out there.
I’ve seen them.
I’ve met them.
I’ve dated them.
I’m friends with them.
But think about who you are keeping yourself available to.
Ever think you meet a really nice guy and think, “He deserves better than me.”
“He probably wouldn’t be interested in me.”
“He’s probably already taken.”
Or maybe your thoughts aren’t so depressing and self-sabotaging but you simply just don’t have an attraction to him because you’ve been drawn to a “certain type” for so long?
You know, the “bad boy” types, the guys who are damaged and brings out the motherly instincts in you, the guys you want to help support and build from the ground up – from having no job to having a job, from taking the bus to getting a car, from living in his mother’s basement to getting his own apartment..or heck, moving in with you and letting him live off your bread and butter…
There’s a lot that can go into the reason why you fall for these kinds of men and I’m not going to dive deep into that.
And it’s not to say they are ALL “bad” men.. they might have good intentions but they fall short of actually being able to adult. And this isn’t just exclusive to men too. I know lots of women who play “damsel in distress” and suck a guy dry.
(K.. I just realized how “dirty” that sounds but you know what I’m trying to get at..financially and emotionally dry)
So here’s the thing.
It’s not that there aren’t enough good guys or that they are all taken.
Chances are, you’ve either built an impossible wall for the good men to climb over without even knowing it or you’re uninterested.
Because the idea of actually being loved is scary.
The idea that you have to actually be vulnerable and open with a GOOD man is scary.
The idea that you are trusting someone with your heart is SCARY.
Fear of success is a real thing.
And if you’ve been stuck in one failed relationship after another, a successful relationship becomes a new territory that appears a little too mysterious and scary to explore.
At least with your “failing types of men,” you already know how it’s going to pan out and how it’s probably not going to work but you invest your heart into it anyway.
It’s a safety net. You know the pattern.
It’s less of a blow to be hurt by a low quality guy than a guy of standards.
It also hurts a little less when you know the punch is coming – you’ve been bracing yourself for the impact. Not saying that it doesn’t hurt.. but just a smidge less.
And I’m just putting this out there…men have standards too.
Especially good quality men.
Especially the men who are praying for a wife.
So if you’re harboring a whole lot of hurt, bitterness, frustration, doubts, fears, low self-esteem and low confidence.. that’s the kind of vibe you’re probably sending out and a guy isn’t going to want to approach you.
And I want to add…it’s not that they don’t want to approach you because you are giving low quality vibes (though it can play a factor), but chances are, you’re going to reject them anyway (I mean, why else have you been in a bad relationship cycle).
And guys literally internally calculate the risk of rejection (source: shared by many of my guy friends). If that risk is high, they’d rather avoid the rejection. Why put themselves through the hurt?
So how do you overcome this?
JK, it’s not all that easy.
It’s easier said than done.
But you have GOT to love yourself.
You’ve got to realize your worth.
You’ve got to realize that, when it comes to investing in a man for a relationship, you can AND SHOULD, say no to any guy that is less than deserving of you.
You shouldn’t feel bad for turning down a guy that you know isn’t good for you.
You are protecting yourself from hurt.
And here’s the really cool part.
The more you say “no” to a low quality guy, the more you are saying “yes” to yourself.
And what does that mean?
You are essentially practicing self-love.
You are rising above the ground level of what you know is all you deserve.
You are raising the bar for both the men who pursue you and yourself.
The men who you choose to say “yes” to will be a whole other level of quality.
It would be like upgrading from a Kraft’s box of Mac and Cheese to a loaded up bowl of Mac and Cheese from a high-end restaurant with ground beef, bacon bits, and extra cheese.
And Kraft’s Mac and Cheese is okay. It’s good. It’s not too bad.
But compared to that loaded Mac and Cheese, it’s not even worth the comparison.
If you keep saying yes to Kraft’s Mac and Cheese, you’ll never have room in your stomach for something better.
And dang it, you deserve to enjoy and cherish a bowl of loaded Mac and Cheese.
So step out of your comfort zone, start saying no, save your heart for someone actually worth sharing it with, and reserve your yesses to the bestests (are any of my grammar nazis cringing at my made up plural nouns? HAHA).
Because there ARE good men out there.
You just haven’t been attracting them or allowing them to pursue you.
But the more you love and value yourself, the more you know what you deserve, the more you envision yourself in a healthy, loving marriage, the less opportunity you’ll give to the guys who can’t bring what you deserve to the table and be more open to the guys who are worth giving chances to.
With all that being said, I think this post has turned quite lengthy.
I think I’ll divvy this post up into parts.
Also, I apologize for falling off the wagon with my daily posts.
Life got crazy and I got lazy.
I don’t think I’ll be continuing the daily blog challenge I set for myself so expect to see the regularly schedule posts on Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays at 6 A.M.
Love you guys ❤