The biggest challenge I struggle to this day..The one thing that makes me doubt everything that happened in my marriage, is whether or not I truly am the one to be blamed for everything that occurred.
If I had to stand outside my life and view things objectively, I would tell myself that no matter what, the things he did was not okay.
Does it REALLY matter regardless?
At this point in my life, no.
Because I have forgiven him and I have moved on and have since been living my best life yet, albeit how hard it is.
But there are times when I get sucked back in.
And that’s the thing about abusers.
The emotional and mental scars they leave lasts forever.
You can’t unthink your thoughts.
You can’t erase the emotional turmoil that you were put through.
They might not be there to play the game with you, but the words they have said lingers in your mind and it keeps you trapped.
“You made it happen. You made me do it. If you hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have done this. You instigated it. You started it.”
It becomes a cycle of trying to justify myself and wondering if he’s right.
And it leads me right to the beginning.
Sitting in his dim lit bedroom in the basement.
6 months pregnant.
His phone going off repeatedly late at night, keeping me awake.
I finally decided to answer it thinking it was his mom since they work at the same hotel.
But instead, it was his ex-girlfriend.
And I find the messages.
Her: “Do you still think of me?”
Him: “Of course I do. You’re my first love. You’ll always have a place in my heart.”
And that’s when I felt dizzy and everything that I was hoping for shattered into pieces.
I was 19 but I felt so sure about him.
We were going to make it work.
We were going to one day make it out of there.
We were going to be a family.
We were going to have a home.
I wanted that picture perfect family and it all came crashing down in that one moment.
I didn’t start anything. He lied to me before I even had the slightest notion that he was going behind my back. I was so trusting and naive.
I loved him with everything that I had.
But I stayed. I wanted a family. I held onto whatever fringe of hope I could find in holding onto that vision.
And then came the mind twists.
“You blamed me for loving her so much that I thought I did so I kept talking to her.”
“You got in my face so I had to shove you.”
“I didn’t even kick you that hard.”
“Quit acting so weak.”
“I was talking to her to test you! See if you were reading my messages.”
“I talked to her because I knew you were reading my messages.” (comments like these…I had hardly ever checked his messages – his phone was locked anyways but his messages would date far back compared to when I did discover them).
I’ll admit, when I first found out about his unfaithfulness, I dealt with the pain wrongly and had my shares of mistakes in the marriage.
But if there is anything I wish I had brought with me from that marriage is the truth.
Because I don’t trust my memories anymore.
I have so much doubt in what I remember because of what he has said over and over again the past 8 years of being together.
His conviction of being right and me being wrong overpowered my own mind.
He has taken my voice away.
I can’t confidently say what actually happened.
Because…what if I’m wrong?
What if everything he did was, in fact, a reaction to what I did first?
That means it was me. I broke him. I broke our family.
And that’s something I’m too scared to face.
Or maybe I’m accusing him of all these things for no reason and we simply weren’t meant for one another.
Maybe I’m being over dramatic.
But more than anything, not knowing the truth drives me insane.
Did I lock myself and my kids in the bathroom because I feared for our safety..because of me?
Did he throw our baby’s walker across the living room in a rage of fit because of me?
Did he lock me out in the middle of the night because of me?
Did he really flirt with other girls because of me?
What is wrong with me? How I could have done such horrible things to push him over the edge like that?
Was it really me?
Because I don’t my own truth, I never say he abused me.
I say he made me feel worthless.
I never say he hit me.
I say he got aggressive.
I never say he cheated on me.
I say he lied to me about talking to other girls.
I never say he gaslighted me.
I say I’m not sure what happened.
I never say he blamed me for his actions.
I say we both made mistakes.
Because I’m too scared to say my own truth because I fear what HE will say to make me feel like I’m lying.. like I’m crazy.
If there’s anything I want you to take from this post is to speak your truth.
Don’t let anyone silence your story.
I don’t know my story anymore.
All I know is I felt worthless and depressed in that marriage.
I was a nobody to him and he made sure I felt that way.
I came out of that marriage with a dead heart.
I don’t how it died. I don’t know how my light was taken away.
I came out broken and ashamed but I wish I knew how.
Speak your truth.