There were moments in both my completely single life and in my dating life when I needed these reminders.
It might be a no brainer but when we get caught up in our insecurities in our singleness or in our hopefulness in a relationship – that maybe we have found the one, we tend to lose sight of reality.. or at least I do.
That the romance that we see in movies and TV shows are not, in fact, reality.
Maybe certain aspects of it or fragmented moments of it… but in reality, there are things that ordinary people just don’t do… (or maybe I’m just bitter at this point..who knows).
As much as I am all for that extraordinary, adorable love story, sometimes I need to realize that I need to be realistic with my expectations.
So here are some relationship can’ts and cans… NOT to be confused with do’s and don’ts.
Because it’s these reminders of what I can and cannot do that dictates my approach to guys and relationships in a more healthy manner.
1. You CANNOT make a guy like you.
If you’re going OUT of your way to go above and beyond to do something or be someone you are not to make this guy like you, you are going about this the wrong way.
If he can’t already see you as the amazing woman you are, you are wasting your time, especially if he’s not doing the same in return to win you over.
Also, if it’s not a positive growth done TOGETHER – it ain’t right.
What you CAN do: Be yourself.
Dating someone or being in a relationship with someone that pushes you to be someone you are not will cause misalignment in your heart and spirit.
You’ll become discontent with who you have become. You’ll lose a sense of who you are and trust me, I’ve been there and it’s not pretty.
Here’s the thing: God is your maker. Not man.
When you start to change yourself to please the guy you’re with, you are cheapening yourself.
Let’s put it this way: Would you rather be a run down Volkswagen or a shiny new Lamborghini?
When you’re trying to cater to a guy who isn’t interested in you, you’re trading your Lamborghini parts for a car of a lesser value…and for what??
A guy who can actually see your worth will see it.
You keep being you and continue to grow as a woman of God.
2. You CAN’T change a man.
Just like how WE shouldn’t change for a man… we shouldn’t try and polish a turd.
That turd might have some serious potential, but don’t fall for it sis.
Take that guy at face value.
If he’s at a job he doesn’t like and isn’t willing to change his situation but comes home to you every night complaining about this and that.. it is not an opportunity for you to try and motivate him to find his calling.
If he has hopes and dreams to own his own house but his actions says otherwise – in debt and spend money irresponsibly… it is not an opportunity for you to help him budget so that you guys can both move in together.
If he’s the type of guy that rotates between talking to other girls and you’re hoping he’ll change from player to husband material when you guys commit or get married.. nah sis.
It’s just not going to happen.
What you CAN do: Value yourself.
For a guy like I described above, I hope you’ll pass him up.
I know that sometimes, it’s not always this black and white.
He might actually be a great guy but there are minor disagreements that can lead to bigger problems that you can’t ignore.
And you might want to try and change him but sometimes, you have to take him at face value and either accept him as is or pass him up.
And what helps calculate that scale is how much you value yourself and how true you want to stay to yourself.
Maybe it’s not a big deal and it’s a trait you are willing to overlook.. maybe it’s not.
It all boils down to you.
But you cannot force a man to change to benefit your needs.
I know that there have been a few times when I have fallen into the trap of trying a little too hard to attract someone or trying to upgrade a “decent” guy but at the end of the day.. the little nuances like that only intensifies the anxiety, self-doubt, and insecurities.
When you start to do this and that, hoping that he’ll notice but he doesn’t and thus, doesn’t appreciate your efforts.. it hurts.
The RIGHT guy is worth going above and beyond for.
But not the guy who doesn’t care.
Don’t fall into that trap.
Know your worth and keep aligning yourself with God’s will ❤