I’d say that up until four years ago, my life has been 💩
Its been quite a ride for sure 🤙
I was born and raised as a Christian and I was also exposed to a LOT of abuse, both towards me and my mom.
Whats worse was my mom herself was also very verbally abusive to me as well even though we “stuck together” through my dad’s physical abuse.
One of my earliest memories as a kid involves wiping my mom’s blood off the kitchen floor – I was 5.
This goes on my entire childhood.
At 18, I was raped by a guy I trusted and that’s when I stopped believing in God.
Couldn’t imagine why a God who is supposedly so loving would have me raised in such an abusive home and then have that happen to me on top of it all.
Because God is sovereign and if he really wanted to.. he could have placed me in any other home and could have avoided the whole incident.
But no. That was the card I was dealt.
A few months later I connected with a guy and we started dating.
My dad was having his raging moment and I was texting him what happened.
By this time, I was 19.
I told him I was running away and he told me he was going to pick me up.
This eventually turned into an abusive marriage.
It involved a lot of lying and cheating, neglect, gaslighting, being choked and kicked, verbal abuse, etc.
I was done. I hated life. Nothing ever went right and there was nothing worth living for.
I was in this marriage for almost 8 and a half years.
And I got so depressed and wanted to kill myself.
One night, I was ready to do it.
Grasping at straws to show any kind of love to my ex husband, I told him I loved him as he left for work and to have a good night at work (he worked the night shift)
He left without saying anything and slammed the door in my face.
Its sounds so minor but after years of being lied to, cheated on, yelled at, hit, neglected, talked down.. it hurt.
I “prepared” myself to end my life and that’s when God interevened.
I heard him tell me, “It’s okay. I’m here for you. I forgive you but you need to leave. Trust me and leave.”
I was so disconnected from God at that point in my life that I was just dazed and confused.
But it shifted the way I wanted to solve things.
Up until that point, I was trying to fix my marriage my way. By submitting more. Being more affectionate. Running myself to the ground working three jobs, raising my kids (he barely helped), going to school. Giving him space.
None of it worked.
So I decided to pray.
I prayed for what many women that I have met in toxic relationships ask to pray for.
For His hands on my marriage, for protection, that he’ll lead my ex to Jesus too.
Yeah… no. Deep inside I knew what had to be done.
I just didn’t want to.
I loved this low quality guy.
I was too scared to leave too.
After years of being told that I’m not worth being loved, that no one else would ever love me, that I should be thankful that I have him, that I couldn’t make it on my own because I’m such a failure… I didn’t want to leave.
Fast forward to now…
I’m a single mom coming up on my fourth year.
And so many condemned me for divorcing because “divorce is a sin.”
Except they don’t know what I know – that God himself called me out of that marriage.
He’d rather have me alive than dead, both physically and spiritually.
And once I left, it definitely took some SERIOUS healing for me to get to where I am now.
For about the first year of being single, I welcomed God into my life but I definitely did not submit my life to him.
My idea of healing was not His way of healing.
It worsened my self-worth.
Until God called me out of the dark hole I was in.
He made his expectations be KNOWN.
To find a church home and the call to abstinence.
And honestly.. it was the call to abstinence that made look into Godly dating, relationships, and marriage.
Because let’s be honest, sex feels great and I have a high drive. So I dove into the Bible for a “loophole”
Instead, I’ve learned how beautiful and powerful a marriage is meant to be. How loving its supposed to be. How sex is intended to be.
What love is supposed to be like
Its nothing that I ever experienced in my life but God showed the perfect example of it.
So then came the road to healing, surrendering, submitting, and transforming.
I had a strong desire for a marriage.
Now I have a strong desire for God’s purpose in my life.
It doesn’t mean I don’t want a marriage anymore.
But its not a priority. If it happens… it happens.
If not, I’m building towards the purpose God has for me and find satisfaction in that.
And if I had to choose between His calling on my life and a husband… I choose His calling.
It serves a greater purpose for His kingdom and for this earth that im living in.
I shared my story because I see so many desperation and brokenness from ladies desperately desiring a marriage.
You guys.. marriage shouldn’t be the end all in your life. Thats not the end game.
Live your life now. You don’t need a man to live your best life.
Gods already here, waiting for you on his magic carpet ride to show you the world.
But so many women are hell bent on finding a man that you’re missing whats right in front of you.
My most cherished memories happened in my singleness.
I honestly take PRIDE in how long I’ve been single.
Ever since healing took place, I know what I’m worth, I know what I look for in a relationship, and I know what I look for in a guy.
If a guy comes any short of my expectations, I move on. My heart is well guarded and I don’t jump at the first sign of a potential relationship.
I get talked down a lot for my standards
“But Lexi.. there are no guys like the one you search for.”
But here’s the thing – my standards are not that high because I know it’s achievable.
How do I know its achievable? Because
1. I live by my standards. If I can do it, there are probably other people who live by my standards and level of vibe
2. I’ve dated guys who have come CLOSE to my standards.
And this is where GOD steps in for me. If marriage is in my future, then God will send me a man when I’m ready.. and not just any man but THE man. For me. The one He set aside for ME.
My standards aren’t based on looks, height, and income (though being able to adult should match a certain level of financial security)
But it’s based on the quality of a person.
The other thing I’ve learned is just because a guy checks the items on your list doesn’t mean “its from God.”
Discernment is still necessary.
I’ve met a couple of guys, few and far between, that literally was a “dream come true.”
Like “Dang okay God! I see you!”
But it turns out they weren’t for me at all.
I was able to bless and release because God is my center and my heart is well guarded.
I don’t sit there and pray over something that isn’t for me in the first place.
Be content in your singleness you guys.
Focus on growing your faith. And not for a marriage in return but just for the sake of getting closer to God.
Take the time to HEAL.
Go and discover yourself.
Find a solid group of friends.
You don’t have to be popular but friends are important. Whether its one or twenty.
Build your life.
Work on cutting out bad habits and create new, positive, healthy ones.
Set a new standard of living for yourself.
Books I recommend:
Lady in Waiting by Jackie Kendall and Debbie Jones
Swipe Right by Levi Lusko
Single. Dating. Engaged. Married by Ben Stuart
The Man God Has For You by Stephan Labossiere
Love Sex and Dating by Andy Stanley (I recommend starting from here for a good basis on setting standards for yourself)
Discerning the Voice of God: How to Recognize When He Speaks by Priscilla Shirer
These are all faith-based books.
These books are more than just “how to get a guy” book. It really calls you out on your..ahem *bs* and has you focus on God first and foremost.
Not faith based book but it changed how I live my life:
The Compound Effect by Darren Hardy
Attached are pictures of some of my most cherished memories that I otherwise would have never got to experience if I continued to stay in an ungodly, directionless, abusive marriage.
When I was married, I was isolated. I burned so many bridges just so I can try and keep my marriage alive.
When I left, God restored my relationship with my parents (yes.. the same parents that abused me are now my biggest support – God is good) and with SOME friends. I wasn’t able to save all my friendships but God rekindled a few old friendships but most of all helped me make new ones 💕
Singleness is a GIFT.
Let’s honor God in ALL seasons, and that includes our time of being single 💕